This Thursday, many families in the US will be sitting down around the dinner table – you know in the dining room that your parents or grandparents only use once or twice a year – for a Thanksgiving meal.
Though nearly every family has that one guest everyone hopes won’t cause a scene this year, we’re betting nobody’s obnoxious uncle who talks politics is as bad a Thanksgiving guest as the comic characters we’re spotlighting here today.
Popeye the Sailor Man
Have you ever had a comic strip sailor over for Thanksgiving? Not even your grandfather would be able to decipher Popeye’s weird ’30s drawl.
On the plus side, he’d be all over your aunt’s creamed spinach dish that the rest of your family won’t touch.
You just better hope he doesn’t have Wimpy tagging along. Say goodbye to the idea of leftovers…
What’s that? You’ve never heard of Combo Man, the breakout Marvel character find of 1996? Strap in, because you’re in for the ride of your life.
Combo Man was once an ordinary college student named Rick Wilder who stumbled across a device designed to “unlock human potential” while running from AIM. After finding the device, Rick decided he was hungry, and finding the lab well stocked with those stuffed cracker snacks known as Combos, he devoured one, activating the device and somehow merging with the stack of comic books he was carrying.
Like the Turducken of comic books, this gave Rick the powers of a dozen superheroes, including, inexplicably, the Punisher (what do those powers amount to? A bad attitude? An inherent collection of firearms?), and, like Spider-Man, Batman, and the greatest heroes before him, Rick took a name inspired by the source of his power – Combo Man.
Anyway, don’t invite him to your holiday meal, because if this is what happens when he eats Combos, imagine what happens when he eats turkey or ham.
Everyone has a picky cousin who hates all the Thanksgiving staples – cranberry sauce, stuffing, and even turkey – and who eats only mashed potatoes at a holiday dinner. But Jughead’s constant demands for hamburgers would likely drive even the most patient family chefs up a wall.
And then, when his demands aren’t met and he has to settle for more traditional holiday fare, he’ll make sure to scarf down his food and everyone else’s.
Every family has some traditional recipes that they bring to Thanksgiving gatherings, and every family takes pride in the feast they prepare.
So imagine your grandma’s abject horror when this guy is slathering everything in ketchup and dijon mustard.
The good news is, this guy has been seen so rarely that he likely wouldn’t stay for long.
Look, we know Fred Dukes can’t help his size – it’s part of his mutant power. And even if he could, that’s no reason not to welcome someone over for the holidays.
No, the real reason you don’t want the not-so-affectionately nicknamed ‘Blob’ at your family’s Thanksgiving get together is that he’s widely known as a rude, uncouth jerk – the kind of guy who will relentlessly hit on your aunt in front of her new husband and use up all the gravy.
And just wait for him to snore his way through your family’s annual viewing of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (opens in new tab).
Tenzil Kem is known to be a gregarious and kind dinner guest, so why not have him over for Thanksgiving?
Well, because Matter-Eater Lad (most literal superhero name ever?) has the power to eat pretty much anything – meaning he won’t just eat every last scrap of turkey and crumb of stuffing, he’s liable to move on to the silverware, napkins, plates – maybe even the table itself.
As we said, everyone has that Old-Fashioned-fueled uncle who just can’t shut up about politics while the family is trying to eat, but trust us – your conspiracy nut uncle has nothing on Flag-Smasher.
Somehow both an anarchist and a fascist, Flag-Smasher believes that nationalism is the root of governmental evil, and that the world should be united under his iron fist.
In other words, no matter which side of the political aisle you’re on, this guy’s got some choice viewpoints that will make everyone’s blood boil.
On second thought, for some families, having a common enemy might not be so bad this year.
Spider-Ham and Howard the Duck
Peter Porker and Howard the Duck might actually make for great dinner company, but just imagine the looks on their faces as you start carving up your delicious Thanksgiving meats…
Honestly, the main reason you don’t want to invite Tony Chu to Thanksgiving dinner is for his own sake. As a food psychic, Chew (opens in new tab)‘s Chu learns the entire life cycle of everything he eats, whether he wants to or not.
Sure, many holidays are supposed to include a history lesson about the roots of our traditions, but we’re betting poor Tony doesn’t want to relive everything his turkey dinner has been through to make it to the table.
And you don’t want to force him to be rude by refusing a plate, do you?
Raise your hand if your mom wouldn’t mind throwing an extra fully-populated planet into the oven for Galactus this year.
No one? We’re not surprised.
If the fact that Galactus subsists on the life force of the universe isn’t enough of a deterrent, he’ll likely bring another uninvited guest in a herald, he’s also like one hundred feet tall.
Suddenly finding enough folding chairs for all your cousins doesn’t seem like such a challenge, does it?
But whoever you do or don’t have at your Thanksgiving for Friendsgiving table this year, have a happy one!